I am leaving France tomorrow and flying from Barcelona to London and then London to Johannesburg. And I am super scared. I thought my fear of flying had gotten better until I had a panic attack and nearly assaulted Ray on the flight from Mauritius to Johannesburg and burst into tears after take off ten days ago on my way to France.

People think I’m crazy but I can see that I am not the only one being petrified by seat belt signs going off, turbulences and just the very unnatural concept of flying above the clouds.

I was not always like that and am not sure what started it eight years ago but my fear is so bad I need to knock myself out or else I spend the entire night in hell.

So this is my ritual: In the boarding room I take a relaxing pill: either Lexomil, Lexotan or Valium and an hour later I take a Stilnox (sleeping pill). It is a power cocktail but I need to know that in case the plane does go down, I won’t even notice it. I just pass out for eleven hours. Well, kind of. Sometimes I wake up, choose a movie, fall asleep five minutes after the beginning, wake up again, look through the window, check where we are on the map, get up to make a wee in a near sleep walking mode…I am kinda like Annie in the movie Bridesmaids. Remember this airplane scene?

I even went to see a hypnotherapist 3 years ago but he didn’t help one bit. Bottom line is: pills are the best.

Before, at the airport I used to be so bad I would cry my eyes out in Ray’s arms, thinking I would never see him again. But once he said something to me that helped so much: he said “you know, the pilot also wants to go home and see his family and just, you know, stay alive. So he is going to do everything in his power so that the flight goes as smoothly as possible”

The good thing about my flight is that we’re going over Africa the whole time. No oceans to cross. If it was the case and say, I had to go to America from France I think my fear would be ten times worse. Like I always tell myself, when you fly over land, if something happens we could always somehow manage to land on a little African landing strip or even a field, maybe the desert? But over the water: what the hell do you do?

I guess if I took the time to study and understand the whole mechanism of an airplane then it woud maybe reassure me?

Anyways, this little drawing below made me smile…

PS: Did you know that only two people know the Coca-cola recipe and therefore they are not allowed to fly together in case the plane crashes?